Nothing wakes you up like love.
Love is law.
An awakening to what’s natural.
It took one gaze for me. I knew: he is in my life now. Instantly I melted into reality. Expanded.
We were at a gallery. He came at me like light. Playful at first. Raw and real.
I lost sight for a moment. There was something beyond him. In him. That shower of light. That fire.
I created distance. Curiosity. Then I looked at him.
I knew him. Behind his glow there was hurt. Like he was in a trap. Or maybe that was me? I was with somebody else, and I was leaving Paris the next day.
It’s humbling to be found. Mystical. I could never have imagined him. Yet there he was.
I left everything behind. My relationship, my work, the life I had created. So I could follow that light.
We met again. Alone this time. Embraced by the softness of the full moon. He spoke my name. Had I not heard it before? Not like this.
This was the real me.
He smiled. The skin on his arms was vibrating. “This never happened before.”
I felt innocent again. True and simple. That’s what he called me. Maybe I was to him, but not to myself.
Coming from heart break, from self denial and overthinking, I melted. My body had its victory over my mind: I know what’s right. You can trust yourself. Let him in.
I felt at home and weightless at the same time. This was the knowing, I had been looking for. Transcending moment by moment. I felt life as it really is. Breathing in, breathing out.
But it was a sneak peak. Too many lies had piled up over the years. I saw them as clearly as I had seen him, and was sadened. Every illusion had to be felt and burnt away. It would take time. I saw that too.
I was overwhelmed. I wanted more from him. He didn’t say no. He left.
His silence felt monumental. There was nowhere to hide from myself. I didn’t want to either.
I wanted to look my life straight in the eyes and find my own freedom. From repression, from fear, from shame.
Our meeting had dissolved all forms around me. Now I was the raw one. Completely open, with an intense experience of clarity and peace. But still in a mess.
My past weighed heavy on me. Doubts and wounds.
I wanted closure with him. I wanted to be free. I wanted my power back. I prayed for it. But my longing would not go away.
So I surrendered. I let myself be moved by it and felt by it. My desire transformed me. I started living with it. I embraced it. I listened. I loved him unconditionally.
I brought our experience everywhere I went.
That word, that gaze, that touch; that time in the car, that secret I told him, that sense of ease… It all flooded into my life in new forms. It went beyond him. I became part of nature at times, beyond any identity.
In a state of wonder, safety, bliss. I came to feel the world through my memory of us. I let my heart burst open again and again. I cried of course.
My life fell into place one day at a time.
I wrote him. I longed to see him still. How long ago now? One, two, three, four years? Time had changed all together for me.
Which was memory and which was dream? I didn’t care. I indulged.
I came to discover a space in me. Where I always am and come from. It has no limits.
My quest brought other dreamers and lovers into my life. A soul sister I could share my journey with. We turned it into a ride.
Yes. She is angel like.
I see her walking upwards. On a mountain, in a yellow dress. Committed and lighthearted. Bringing my desires to a shrine. Holding my passion as sacred. With confidence. As if it was her own.
Sensuality. Play. Healing through imagination.
And him… Resurfacing from time to time. Often I knew before.
Could he even be real? I learned to live with uncertainty. With the stories I had created about him. About us.
I delight in this bittersweet dance. Of what was and what could be. I’m blessed to have had my mind blown away. To have been touched at my core. Pushed over the edge.
Suspended between reality and dream I fly freely but not alone. Wondering how far I can go on a warm and poetic wind.
Something true has begun. Something that changes but never ends.
How big life is…
How big am I?